Waiting

It seems like I've always been waiting for something.  Counting down to my birthday or Christmas, waiting for summer break then waiting for school to start, sitting on the back of the couch watching and waiting for my dad to show up for visitation.  I build up so much anticipation and nothing goes as I saw it in my head.  Sometimes though, that is a good thing.

My latest anticipation was my nephew, Aden.  I just knew I'd be a complete mess over his arrival.  I'm proud to say that I wasn't.  Yeah, I had a few moments of sad and jealous.  The worst part was the drive to visit him.  Then we walked in that room and saw this perfect, tiny human.  It was absolute love at first sight.  How someone so tiny can make my heart feel like it is going to explode with love is just beyond belief.

And, yet, I am still waiting.  My months are broken down into 2 week blocks of time with a few days in between of sheer hope.  I check my signs, pee on sticks and wait patiently (haha! yeah right!) for those pretty red crosshairs that signal ovulation on my chart.  Then I wait for any little twinge or tickle that I can latch onto that might signal a baby in the making.  I pace.  I fret.  I get giddy with hope.  The 3 minutes after taking a pregnancy test drag on for days.  Stark white tests stare back at me and I wait for good old Aunt Flo to show up again.  Then, the cycle begins again.

All of this waiting, hoping, praying...just to feel that rush of love when I can, someday hopefully have my own tiny miracle. 

Joy and jealousy

I got word today that my nephew may be making his appearance soon.  I am so excited to meet him.  I knew his arrival would be a test for me, but I wasn't prepared for all of the emotions that coursed through my veins.   One more layer to work through, I suppose. 

She and I were supposed to complete this journey together.  We should have spent the past few weeks "racing" to the delivery room, comparing swollen feet and making sure our go-bags were well stocked.  Instead, she's having to face this without me.  She's amazingly strong and will come through this beautifully, of course.  I just wish we were doing it together.

I'm a little jealous that she'll have her baby in her arms and mine remain empty.  I'm a little bit scared mine will always be empty.  I'm a lot angry that my baby didn't get to live.  I'm a little sad, bitter and frustrated too.  But, I am also excited, proud and so very happy for them.  I keep hoping the joy will bubble closer to the surface.  I know it has a lot of crud to bubble through, but that little man deserves nothing but joy and love.