Wednesday, October 13, 2010
It seems like I've always been waiting for something. Counting down to my birthday or Christmas, waiting for summer break then waiting for school to start, sitting on the back of the couch watching and waiting for my dad to show up for visitation. I build up so much anticipation and nothing goes as I saw it in my head. Sometimes though, that is a good thing.
My latest anticipation was my nephew, Aden. I just knew I'd be a complete mess over his arrival. I'm proud to say that I wasn't. Yeah, I had a few moments of sad and jealous. The worst part was the drive to visit him. Then we walked in that room and saw this perfect, tiny human. It was absolute love at first sight. How someone so tiny can make my heart feel like it is going to explode with love is just beyond belief.
And, yet, I am still waiting. My months are broken down into 2 week blocks of time with a few days in between of sheer hope. I check my signs, pee on sticks and wait patiently (haha! yeah right!) for those pretty red crosshairs that signal ovulation on my chart. Then I wait for any little twinge or tickle that I can latch onto that might signal a baby in the making. I pace. I fret. I get giddy with hope. The 3 minutes after taking a pregnancy test drag on for days. Stark white tests stare back at me and I wait for good old Aunt Flo to show up again. Then, the cycle begins again.
All of this waiting, hoping, praying...just to feel that rush of love when I can, someday hopefully have my own tiny miracle.